moth soup stories

|i wish i wish i wish|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Thu, 28 May 2009 14:50:00 +0000

there are 27 days until the boards. i am in a deep funk, cycling between manic studying and desperate avoidance of studying. i know that avoiding studying will not help me pass the exam -it will only make me feel much worse, and i'm not sure why i suddenly feel the urge to clean the back of the stove... maybe to get my mind off the test. except that maybe the best way to get my mind off the test is to get my brain into it. i feel so disorganized and helpless when large exams loom.

i can't sleep at night -which is made worse by matt being out of town. usually, if he wraps his arms around me, i can sleep.

in spite of not being able to fall asleep at night, i wake up in the wee hours of the morning and cogitate about the exam.

i set a schedule, but can't keep to it, which discourages me from setting schedules. i get lost in details, berate myself, and then wonder if that particular detail might be on the exam.

but, somehow, in the middle of this stressball-headcase, i crave matt and madeline more than ever. i can see how blessed i am. matt has been amazing, in spite of the stresses associated with his job and the economy right now. he left on tuesday, but on monday night, he made sure the garbage was taken out and that large boxes were moved out of the living room. his mind is here, with us and with taking care of us. i love him for that.

the number of lottery tickets purchased correlates with the proximity of large exams and increased stress. i stopped at giant this morning after dropping off madeline at daycare. there was corn on sale, and madeline loves corn (we all do! what's not to love!). on my way out, i stopped by the liquor store to buy a lotto ticket. it wasn't open, yet. i guess i won't be winning the lottery this week. wouldn't it be great if something like that could just come swoop in and save me from all this stress?

there is a ot of studying left to be done.

|more|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Wed, 27 May 2009 16:33:00 +0000

so, i have been wishing for more time with my family. more time to be free. i envy the people with normal jobs.

i have this day-by-day calendar that matt bought for me. i asked for a self-help or inspirational calendar this year. it has been really good to me. it's the seven habits of highly effective people. mostly, it talks about how to be proactive and not reactive. i have been thinking about this a lot. there is a lot of nurture and nature that needs to be changed in me. i have a lot to work on.

i have been logging some thoughts in a notebook. i am learning to open my eyes to things that i didn't see before. there are signs all around me.

one day, the calendar said to look at people as potential. i liked that a lot.

|28 days|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Wed, 27 May 2009 16:04:00 +0000

i am having my lunch break at the library, right now. pork shoulder sandwich. it smells like matt. i mean, it reminds me of him. because he smoked the pork shoulder over the weekend. i miss him.

when he is out of town, like now, i really appreciate how much he does around the house, and with madeline. these days, he pretty much takes care of everything since i'm always hiding out and studying.

madeline:
-wants to wear a dress every single day
-loves the color blue
-loves school buses (way more than regular buses)
-loves apples
-loves sue, but not sarah
-loves her new "baby sloop" (bathing suit)
-loves to play tea party

i would really like to pass this test and be done with the anxiety, already.

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 00:12:00 +0000

Time flies! We are still both employed for the time being.

We have settled into our work/study/play routines as best we can. The boards are looming. I should have a date by the end of the month.

Madeline is growing! She become a toddler one day. It is great.

|the shoe is on the other foot|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:48:00 +0000

matt is working late tonight. he made an appearance for a shovel-into-gullet dinner and kisses for madeline before he disappeared into the dark night.

i put madeline to bed myself tonight, which is a rare occurrence. when i kissed her goodnight, she asked for "da-da" and looked all around. i told her that he loved her and he would see her tomorrow. the shoe is on the other foot.

before matt left us, he said, "now you know how i feel, all those saturdays and weeknights." i suppose i do; it is lonely without a partner.

normally, i rely on matt a great deal. in preparation for boards, i study at the library on saturdays from 10am-5pm. and i meet my study group one weeknight each week, after work. on the other nights, i have been working much harder to get home by 6pm; i am proud of that. matt has been holding us together with little complaint. he is amazing with madeline, and she adores him. adores him. in return, i promised them my sundays -to cook, and clean, and shop, and pay attention to them. and i promised them i would pass my boards. balance.

but we have a new problem on our hands... matt is worried about the economy, and his company laid off right before the holidays. there's no sense of security that it won't happen again. and soon. so his team is working hard on a demo tonight, hoping to secure a contract, and their jobs -for at least a few more months.

he's been working late a lot, recently. i've been leaving work earlier to pick up from daycare. right now, it's a 1 hour and 10 minute commute. (fortunately, work is very flexible this month.) i love the extra time i get with madeline. the more time i spend with her, the more she consumes me....

i am thankful that we had a happy holiday season instead of spending it job-hunting in a lousy market. i hope that things turn around soon, for everybody's sakes. adult worries suck. and there are lots of people worse off than us. at least if matt loses his job, and can't find a new one (i know, worst case scenario), we have the hope that in another 18 months, i will be able to get a real job (at last!) and cover our bills.

clearly, i am not optimistic about the economy. it is broken on such a fundamental level. but we'll be ok. (assuming i get a job, right?)

madeline's latest things:
-eating her feet
-playing "boo" around the corner
-understanding being scolded, and getting weepy over it
-soup ("zoop")
-dragging all her toys around in her musical wagon
-chocolate cookies after dinner, every night
-kissing her dora-baby-doll

she's the greatest kid ever. i know lots of people have said that about their kids, but they were all wrong. madeline is the greatest.

|defiling magnet poetry|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 01:23:00 +0000

guess who managed to turn magnet poetry into this?

i was surprised; i didn't think you could make anything dirty out of the words we had, but this showed up on the fridge.

the good news is that he still likes them, after all they have been through.

btw, the recipe is for a nice pesto.

|define me|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 14:28:00 +0000

one more thought. i really envy people who have free time. i mean, really. people who have hobbies. people who have identities. people who have time to read or enjoy music for leisure. people who have leisure.

i want to give matt time, but i cannot. he is essential to the functioning of our household. he does daycare pickup and drop off. he is home evenings with madeline and puts her to bed if i am not there. he is consistent.

i wanted to sign him up for fencing or kung fu to give him free time (and health). but he is as trapped by my schedule as i am. how do we achieve better balance -more time?

|trapped in the car by rain|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 13:58:00 +0000

things she's really into right now: "beanie bear" (pictured here), cleaning up before bed, dancing, her feet and her piggies and her shoes and her socks -anything that has to do with her feet, giving kisses, routines.

on the weekend, she grabbed her daycare lunchbag and headed toward the door. she sat in front of the door and pointed and grunted. apparently, she thought we were late for daycare.

she is really into telling us what to do. her first word is "down", which she enunciates quite clearly when she wants to get down from her highchair. she babbles like crazy and wants to tell us things. last night my parents brought over dinner and cookies. i think her second word may have been "cookie". so much for "mama" and "dada".

she tells us when it is time for her to eat by going to her high chair. she tells us when it is time for bath. she is pretty bossy, actually. but she is happy.

it is hard to remember what life was like a year ago, now. how tiny she was, and helpless. how busy and stressed and insecure we were (i was). the pumping and nursing... ugh. it seems so far away. this is why people have seconds (and thirds and fourths...). life seems relatively easy right now. i mean, life is busy, and i sometimes go days without seeing her beautiful face, but it is manageable.

i think about how priorities have shifted since madeline (well, since matt, actually) and it is surprising. i think the mistake i made in the past year or two was letting the balance shift too far towards home time. now i am paying for it by playing catch up studying. but i don't really regret it. and i think that being conscious of needing balance in my life is making the biggest difference right now. now, i often ask myself if life is balanced. for the most part, i am trying to stay true to that. it is not so bad right now. but i do worry about long term plans relating to a career and long term plans relating to future babies. i think i am starting to realize that there will be times in life when balance cannot be achieved and you just have to commit (short term or long term) to work or home and not both.

i am looking for solutions and watching those around me, especially those that i admire. people have struggled with this before me, and maybe they have ideas or experiences to share. i think maybe i am settling into my skin, after all.

|she is everything|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:46:00 +0000

|hiding out|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 14:43:00 +0000

work: i am officially a regular resident again. it is great. the new chief is energetic and he will be outstanding. i think this switch is as good for the program as it is for me!

home: when i get annoyed at home, it is consistently about one thing: cleanliness. i am not a clean freak by any means. in fact, i am very lazy and prefer not to clean. knowing that i grew up in a completely sterile environment, you would be surprised at how much uncleanliness i can tolerate. but even i have limits. i hate crumbs; crumbs bring ants. i hate sticky floors -they are just GROSS. so, i bug matt to help me keep the place clean, but he is a man. he is genetically predisposed to not be clean. so i get annoyed, and then he gets annoyed that i am annoyed, and then we're both annoyed -and it's over something as stupid as sticky floors. so, i think that we need to talk about having someone help keep the house clean. (i know, i know... it sounds insane.) and i keep trying to justify it in my head. but what it comes down to is that i cannot do everything. and i am OK with that.

love: i love them. they are everything. i don't know why he loves me. i am just that lucky. friends are few but true.

baby: she is the best baby in the whole world. i know i'm her mom and all, but, really, she is the beset baby in the whole world. she has a really surprising sense of humor. she is starting to test some limits, and she is definitely developing her own ideas about things. she's just starting to develop tiny hissy fits about things, but she is easily distractable. she gives me kisses! things she loves: baby doll, her bag of balls, the can of tunafish(!), giving cats treats, milk, toy cell phone, putting on shoes, balloons, getting the mail out of the mailbox, naps.

things to work on: i need to lose about 10 pounds. since i stopped pumping, the weight has been creeping up. have a more positive attitude. study for the boards. pay attention to matt, more. be kinder.

|priorities and such|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 00:41:00 +0000

so, i reprioritized my life for the next year. the problem in medicine is that you never really know what the next year will bring.

actually, i didn't reprioritize my life so much as my life forced me to do it. and it was pretty easy. not really. i guess it's never easy to rearrange life. the doing part is hard, but the thinking part wasn't so difficult. i think my priorities just did this lava-lamp kind of thing where the most important layer floated to the top. oil on water.

and, of course, family came out on top. that was a no-brainer. i guess that is what i meant by it not being so hard.

so this means that, indirectly, studying for the boards came out second. because that is also in the best interests of the family. more so than work. work took a dive to last place... behind even cleaning my bathrooms.

the doing part will be hard, but it will work itself out, too. i have faith.

|peaches, candy, ponies|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 00:28:00 +0000

ok, so things don't always go great around here.

i am overworked at home as much as i am at the hospital. the overworking at the hospital can be mostly resolved by giving up the chief position. i think this will help a lot. unfortunately, the overworking at home can't be resolved that easily. i mean, what do i do? -give up the mom and wife position?

matt is mad at me. he is out mowing the lawn right now -in the dark. at least he's being useful while he's mad.

it hardly seems fair, though. he is mad because i am not home enough during the week. i go to work before madeline gets up in the morning, and many nights i come home after she is in bed. this is not my favorite thing to do, either. i think a lot of this will be resolved after they find a new chief resident -after which i plan to make myself scarce.

so, by the time i do get home, there are bottles to wash, dishes to clean, floors to mop (babies are messy), etc. and then by the time i actually sit down to study, i have maybe 30 minutes. and sometimes, of course, i have to pay attention to my husband. (who is now stomping around the house and sulking.)

weekends are spent with family -grandparents visiting, getting groceries for the week, weddings, obligatory socialization so we don't become complete hermits, playing with madeline, laundry, and cooking food to feed our hungry holes.

so, really, there is not much time for studying. and when i do sit down to study, it is often interrupted by other things that need to be done.

but really, i want to pass my boards.

so, i have set up a study session on saturdays with a coworker. most people don't understand medical studying. when i say "study", i don't mean i sit for an hour and read. or even two hours and read. today, we did 4.5 hours without break, and this was only interrupted by matt calling me and asking me to come home. and all we studied was the thyroid. i think maybe matt doesn't understand what i mean when i say study. and maybe he thinks i can accomplish this same studying at home.

so, he is now mad at me because i am not home enough. and i am annoyed because when i am home, all i do is work my tail off to keep the house running and clean. i am never watching tv or playing computer games or wasting time. so, is he mad because he has to help out more so i can have some time? this is a guy who doesn't even move the dirty pans off the stove when he is done cooking. he just ignores them like they don't exist. and i clean them up while he goes to play on his computer.

this is not to say that he doesn't help around the house. he does. for example, i don't have to think about taking out the garbage or mowing the lawn. these things happen for me just as magically as dirty pans become clean for him.

i am just frustrated because surely he can see that i am not running off to hang out and play games. i am running off (away from my beloved daughter that i don't see enough, already) so i can pass my boards and make money to support us. believe me, i would rather be home. in fact, i would rather be washing dirty pans at home.

so, now what? i have no plan of action. i have no thoughts or resolution for this... except that i still need to study for the boards. and i have already given up as much as i can at work. i have verbally asked him to help me out more. i don't know if he understands what i mean. and i think he also takes a bit of offense to this.

anyway, he is done clomping all around. he's sitting on the couch ignoring me. i guess i should go do something. how do i explain that i need to study away from the house?

some advice would be welcome. i don't know what goes through a guy's head.

|yes man|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 02:28:00 +0000

i have trouble saying no to people. i think that may be how i ended up married to matt.

i kid. obviously.

but, today, i did something tremendous for myself. i asked my program director to find a new chief resident. purely selfish reasons... like i need time to study for the boards, and i need time for myself. and the baby. who is really not so much a baby anymore.

i am so relieved. that was a pretty hard thing for me to do. i should never have said yes to a second year of chief duties. now i've mucked and muddled in things.... and i've probably made some people annoyed. but i did the right thing -for me.

|self aware|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 19:22:00 +0000

matt has put balusters up on our stairs. this is to prevent babies from falling. these little tasks around the house don't seem like they are so difficult -until one actually has to do it. it's been a six week project with a lot of hair-pulling. the balusters aren't even, but i think matt gets a great sense of satisfaction from having made it himself -and it is safe.

on a practical note, we may have to hire someone to do it over again before we sell the house, but i don't think i'll mention that to matt until the time comes. one might wonder why we didn't hire someone to make it in the first place... well, then we wouldn't have amusing memories of us trying to figure out basic algebra. and, really, i have learned to pick my battles.

i think being self-aware is way overrated.

|jaded, end of the road|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 00:09:00 +0000

i can't believe how tired i am at the end of a day.

the days at work are long, and i didn't even do much today.

the residents are getting on my nerves. two years of chief is too much. talk about underappreciated work!

so much left to learn....

|signs|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 23:57:00 +0000

we haven't given madeline any new signs. it seems that she is inventing her own, though. she has invented "wash hands" and "bottle" and one that i am deciphering as "water".

i think she is meaningfully saying "dada" at this point. the rest of the babble doesn't seem to have a purpose that i can make out.

i am surprised at how much she understands when we speak to her. she probably thinks we're the slow ones.

everything is new and wonderful. sitting through church has good and bad days. the last church we went to had a silent mass, which made the mass shorter. the church we go to now doesn't have a silent mass, so we just go to the earliest one and hope that madeline can make it through the hour. it's a small church, but they have a very pretty little fountain in the lobby, so sometimes madeline and i will go visit it if she gets too cranky. today, she did really well -she was even dancing a little to the music.

she takes about 4 or 5 steps, now. i think that by her birthday she will be toddling about. speaking of birthdays... all three of our birthdays are within one week! obviously, her birthday will always be at the forefront. i don't mind being shadowed by her; i'm a wallflower by nature -but i think matt wishes his birthday could still just be about him. i will have to think hard about how to make him feel special. it is easy to forget that he is having a birthday, too.

madeline is turning one... oh my... and we are turning 30! hm. it's a bit late to plan anything big -and i've been so swamped at work lately that it's a miracle i have any clean socks to wear. i need ideas for a party!

|when you need something done|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 23:28:00 +0000

...give it to a busy person.

it is crazy busy. but i am learning a lot. i need to hide out and study.

madeline-time has been sparse, lately. it is really tough to go days without seeing her. i sneak out before she is up, and get home after her bedtime. i wish there were more time in the day. well, not really; the days are long enough.

today, i got home earlier. the pleasure of bathing her, feeding her, changing her, and putting her down to bed... sure, it is work, but it is joyous work. when i rinse out her shampoo and massage her baby skin, i am enveloped in her little presence. her perfect little muffin top belly calls to me. i want to inhale her, swallow her, squish her. i love her so much.

she is signing a few things, now. she signs "eat" (though not frequently), "more", "sleep", and "down". she uses bye-bye as her signal that she wants to get down from the high chair or get out of the bath. she is pretty good at asking for a nap or night-night, too. she is starting to sign the word "bath" in conjunction with "sleep" since she usually gets one before bed. i am not sure that we will give her too many more signals. it would be nice for her to start using some words, too. we gave her a few to help her feel less frustated. now, instead of throwing a fit, she will sign to get down from the high chair. that is very helpful to us all.

she has been an easy baby.

discussions on seconds have been nipped in the bud. the boards will be my baby this year. matt understands the pressure i am under. he has been very helpful. i just need to study hard and pass.

|when the boys are out|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 14:36:00 +0000

last night, i put madeline to bed, paid some bills, and then wondered what to do with myself.... matt decided to crash on the future groom's couch for the night (smart idea). i imagine that the planning of the bachelor party turned into a pre-bachelor party.... drunk video-game playing. but no lechery -at least no live lechery. ha.

so, what does a gal do on a night like that?

talk on the phone with jessie, have some wine, make a giant bowl of pasta with olive oil and garlic, blog, and stay up until 1:30am watching "transvestite wives" on the dvr.

i guess that's probably what i did as a single person... it's a miracle i ever got married. i'd probably still be doing that to this day if i hadn't met matt.

matt hates watching the shows i record on the dvr. he refuses to watch them with me -they are mostly about transexuals, gays, and morbidly obese people. well, in more general terms, they are shows about people's relationships with their sexuality and with food. matt calls them my "fatties and queers" shows.

and the giant bowl of pasta is my equivalent of a giant bowl of ice cream. serious indulgence -very, very bad for the waistline.

if you'll notice, i haven't mentioned the gym in a long time... but it's not for the right reason. that bowl of pasta might push me back to that sweaty dungeon, though.

|she changes|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 01:53:00 +0000

she changes everyday. everyday i fall in love with the new madeline.

matt is out at a pre-bachelor party... it's the tux fitting and the planning of future lechery. so madeline and i are on our own. she cried and clutched at me tonight when i put her to bed. she is in the separation anxiety phase. pauvre petite.

she needs a haircut again. already!

|the lost art|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 23:19:00 +0000

i've been having a great time on my derm elective. there is more to life than medicine. and derm is the perfect rotation for demonstrating this.

i miss talking. i find it unbelievable that i have no one to talk to -besides matt. i mean, i don't even like talking, but i do like talking about philosophy and the arts and social sciences. it is hard to find people in medicine who like to talk about these things. and i don't mean talk about it like taking turns telling each other what they know about everything. i mean conversing. analyzing. wondering aloud to one another. i miss that. conversation is an art. it involves listening -not just waiting your turn.

i don't know the last time i had a real conversation with someone. a meaningless, meaningful conversation.

i guess there isn't enough time these days.

|sweet|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 00:31:00 +0000

i have been thinking more. maybe because i am away from the negativity of the basement.

i realized that i am most passionate about words. (tied with food, of course.) words well-formed and placed are unspeakably intimate and moving.

it is surprising how people are hardwired. some are moved by people, by music, or nature.

most music sounds like noise to me, except for a great deal of classical music -which sounds like words.

thinking back to those formative years, of course it makes sense. i spent the first 20+ years of my life with my nose in a book. the words in those books shaped me.

funny that i like words so much, but parcel them out so carefully when i speak.

|tomorrow|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 00:33:00 +0000

there's this silly thing i do when i drive to work. i sing "tomorrow" from the musical Annie. yes, as in the sun will come out, tomorrow -bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun. etc. etc.

i started doing it during my first year of residency, when i was pretty beat down. i didn't really believe the words of the song, but it was something to do. and it took my mind off work. and, honestly, i don't know the words to many songs. in fact, i think i only know two lines of "tomorrow" and some of the refrain.

it got me going on cold, dark mornings as i headed down to the basement... especially during the winter when i hadn't seen the sun in weeks. i still do it now and again.

|thoughts|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 23:35:00 +0000

i drove to the wrong building today.
good thing i had the gps unit in my car.
this is why people should eat breakfast.

my goal is to relax more.
i find myself tense for no reason. i suppose it is just hard-wired into me.
i should work out. i guess going to the gym didn't last long. it's just too low on my list of priorities. it shouldn't be, though. i need to move it up.... i know it can be done. and i bet i would be less tense if i could get a good workout on a regular basis.

|time flies|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 01:17:00 +0000

weekends disappear.

when she naps, i count the minutes until she wakes up. i ache to hold her.

she is cruising about and starting to explore kitchen cabinets. the packaging for cat treats is remarkably similar to that of baby treats. it's a good thing she didn't get to the contents! i doubt cat treats taste nearly as good as yogurt melts.

she is such a good baby. she's been having a bump in the road with bed time for the past few days. she normally lays down with her flat bear and her piggy-in-a-blanket and we don't hear from her until 7am. when this doesn't happen, i am confident that something is wrong -usually sickness. she has been crying at bedtime, lately. and today we had the answer... more teeth! (at last.) hopefully she will be sporting them in some cute photos soon. i hope a whole bunch of pearly whites come in one fell swoop... get the misery over with quick.

she's been using her two bottom (and only) teeth to bite off chunks of banana. more teeth mean more food opportunities! so far, her favorites include banana, rice congee, and cheerios.

as for me, lately i have been wondering, "how can i be approaching 30 years and still not feel like i belong in my own skin?" i have a lot of work to do.

|workout day two|

noreply@blogger.com (dora) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 00:40:00 +0000

my goal is to make working out the norm. i think the measure of success will be when i stop mentioning that i went to the gym.

one of our cats has diarrhea. i know because it is on our carpet. they are going to become mittens. i guess i should feel bad for whichever cat is sick, but i can't even fathom how they could get sick. they eat the same thing day in and day out. and they never go outside. cat diarrhea is the worst. you can't even imagine... the carpet just soaks it right up!

anyway, lots of things to say, not enough time. i'm on a study schedule, so i should go study.