moth soup stories

|end of day|

2008-05-14T19:11:00.004-04:00

at the end of a day, she is there. it's such a good feeling it's not always relaxing, but that's ok. she is still perfect.

i picked her up from daycare tonight, since matt had to work late. she looked about ready to fall asleep. she was super tired and fussy. at home, she ate, but then started throwing fits and yelling.

she would yell, "dadadadadada-nininini- dadadada -ni ni ni ni." she's been babbling a lot, lately -stringing lots of sound stogether.

when i brought her upstairs to change her diaper and put on her jammies, she cheered up and calmed right down. she was happy to go "night-night" and grabbed flatbear right away. now i am wondering if she was yelling out for da-da and for night-night. i don't know. she went out like a light.

|happy mother's day||

2008-05-11T15:02:00.003-04:00

even though i clearly stated that mother's day is not a gift-giving holiday, i received lots of things.

1. dogfish head 120 minute IPA (lovely, but a bit sweet. i felt tipsy at 1/3 of the way into the glass. turns out, it's 40 proof!)

2. a most unusual bottle of gin

3. an attache/laptop bag for work

4. a bib that says "I love mommy" (obviously not for me, although i do slobber when drunk.)

the first two gifts were from matt, and the last two were from madeline. as you can see, life exists after a baby -and drinking ensues after baby's bedtime. oh yes, and the picture is displaying madeline's artwork from daycare. it is a butterfly magnet for mother's day. i suspect that she had some help, especially since all she really does right now is put things into her mouth.

matt is also making dinner tonight (if he ever wakes up from his nap -he passed out on the couch after putting madeline to nap). he came home from the grocery store with some expensive-looking steaks and some gorgeous scallops. it's quite the hullaballoo today -but matt says that i better remember this when father's day rolls around. ha!

last night, i woke up to madeline sobbing in her crib. i think she lost flat bear to the other end of the crib and didn't know where to find him. i changed her diaper as she hiccuped her last tears away, and i thought my heart would break. i want so badly for her to be happy, but i also know that i can't do everything for her. a lost lovey is easy to fix. i wish it could always be so simple.

she is an amazing baby. we have hit a sweet spot in parenting. she's on a great routine, and she naps pretty easily. she goes down for bed at night, and we generally don't see her until the morning. she is easy right now. we feel like great parents... but things will change quickly. she's been standing a lot, lately. walking will be interesting. and she has been making her opnions known. smashing food out of the spoon. making faces and whining when she doesn't get her milk right away. writhing and yelling in church. our sweet spot can't last forever.

sometimes i am still surprised that she is mine. how did i get so lucky?

|those cheeks!|

2008-05-05T20:39:00.003-04:00

things i like: when someone hides around the corner and yells "boo!" to scare me. fresh bananas. puffs. feeding myself. kisses from mom and dad. long walks. milk! standing. kitty. the other kitty. smacking things with the palm of my hand. balmex. pig in a blanket. flat bear. wind in my face. sucking in my face. peek a boo. books and papers, especially cards. squealing. touching my hair. sticking my finger in my ear.

|may|

2008-05-03T21:11:00.000-04:00

today, i hung out in my jammies, chased the cats, looked at plants at home depot, and visited the grandparents. grandma made me congee, which i really like. i crawled around a lot, and stood a few times. i bumped my head twice, and cried a little bit. grandma and grandpa got me some new toys, which i really like. one is a finger pupper glove!

today is a good day.

|not enough time|

2008-04-21T19:49:00.002-04:00

tell me how people do it... how do people have enough time in a day?

if i had more time, would i waste it? probably. but at least a percentage of that extra time would go to being more productive.

and what is this obsession with being productive, anyway? why can't i just be happy without productivity? i over-complicate things.

madeline has great big smiles for me. i am torn everyday by the pressure to stop pumping and my need to make her milk. it's a very strange feeling. it is maybe a little silly. there will be other food and drink for her. i feel a great deal of satisfaction in giving her what i can. i think it is hard to let that go. i'm not even nursing her, but i can imagine that would be hard for a lot of moms. (we stopped nursing because of schedules and work, and then a biting incident.) i guess i just had it in my head that i would pump for a year. but i guess it is better to stop now.

i am realizing that satisfaction at work is very hard to find. i don't have much hope for my future job.

my garden isn't started yet. it is getting late.

2008-04-19T21:09:00.002-04:00

she is growing so fast. i know i keep saying this, but i am constantly surprised.

today, i was supposed to dedicate myself to writing a paper and finishing a presentation. but i am glad i didn't. instead, madeline got her first haircut! it was probably one of the sweetest things i've seen. she sat on daddy's lap while he distracted her. she didn't mind a bit!

here is a picture before:

her hair has always been a bit unruly... she has this soft wave in it that makes it fly away from her head. as you can see, we've attempted to pin back her bangs. here is the after shot:

now she's ready for her welch's grape juice commercial! she's just showing up her frumpy mommy (who also needs a haircut!).

btw, notice the jeans? jeans on a baby. ha! i can't get over how funny that is. she looks way older than she is. she looks like she's a toddler -should be walking and talking... can you believe she's only 8 months?! she's huge!

we also walked out of the salon with a bottle of paul mitchell baby hair product. it's the first time i've bought paul mitchell anything! it is great how we spend money on her in ways we wouldn't on ourselves.

i need to get a real job and start saving for that pony.

|more than i can chew|

2008-04-18T20:24:00.003-04:00

what goes down must come up.

work has taken on a new frenzy for me. i've realized that my boards a only a year away, and the prospect of signing my own cases is frightening.

i've got projects out the rear, and will likely be doing another chief year. it is good to be busy. but i have guilt. at home and at work.

i'm down to two pumps a day! no more dragging the pump into work... no more hiding out, squeezing in private time. no more work interruptions. soon i will be free of it! i'm glad, but i'm so thankful for the success we've had. i am very lucky to have had a strong supply, and to have the opportunity to pump for madeline.

madeline, my sweet, sweet madeline is crawling about. she just wants to touch everything. everything she can get her chubby little hands on. now that the weather has turned us to short-sleeved shirts, we're both looking a bit chubby in the arms... except that she is very cute. i suppose she will slim down when she gets more mobile. same goes for me.

she still loves to eat. we've started some chunkier foods, and some finger foods.

my little secret: i worry about the dumbest things. i worry about her, and matt, and the world. i want to protect her from everything, but that's probably the worst thing to do. i worry about medical things all the time, but it is probably because of the nature of my work. cancer day in and day out... i'm convinced that it's just around the corner. lol.

i feel grounded by them. they are my world.

|so many babies|

2008-04-05T21:26:00.002-04:00

the bear in the photo is flat bear 2. i don't know if we'll be able to keep them straight. flat bear 1 went for a holiday in the washer and dryer. now, he is hiding in the closet, resting his ears from madeline's chewing.

i've realized that work is its own little microcosm, full of good and bad. sometimes it is good to step back and see the bigger picture. i no longer doubt that i picked the right fellowship, and i no longer feel tied to my university. having that mindset has lifted a fog from my daily work.

madeline is amazing. she is crawling -getting into everything. she loves to eat. and she is drinking less milk. that's good for me... i'm thinking about drastically reducing pumping at this point. i switched to only once at work this week, which has worked out great. i guess that maybe in the next week or two, i will switch over to only pumping before and after work. i have a decent freezer stash that should take us out a couple more months. it's hard to think of that stash diminishing. i feel emotionally tied to that hoard of milk... it is sustenance and health for my baby. but she is growing up.

i feel sad, lately, that i haven't had hobbies or interests outside of medicine for years. it is hard to find the energy. i wish i had more energy overall. these days, when i have free time, i just want to veg out. i also feel guilty for not reading as much as i should. i find that a lot of my motivations in life are founded in guilt.

i have a lot of resolutions.

- read more. read at least one hour each day outside of work.

- teach more. this goes hand-in-hand with reading more.

- relax. practice being laid back.

- smile.

- spend the rest of my book fund before it expires.

for some reason, i think the solution to my depression about work is to study more. there is something oddly twisted in that. but somehow it works.

|other thoughts|

2008-03-31T21:11:00.002-04:00

today i realized that i have been a bit depressed. it was hard to notice, since i'm not depressed at home, or with madeline. (really, how can you be depressed around her gigantic toothy smile?)

but i've been dragging ass at work. i think it's this year's in-service exam that is coming up. i don't feel energized about work. i feel behind where i should be. and i know that a lot of it has to do with becoming a mother in the past year.

i have more to learn and read. there isn't adequate time, anymore. and i have a hard time justifying what to do with my time. be a wife, be a mother, or study. mostly, i've been dropping the studying. but i think that's what has got me depressed, now. somehow i have to balance that again.

and i miss other things. those things that i slowly lost over the years. i miss reading non-medicine (and i don't even read enough medicine!). i'm not sure if i've lost focus or what exactly is wrong. something.

i've been very negative, lately. mostly about myself.

i've been focusing a lot on madeline and matt. they make me feel good inside. i know they are the most important, but obviously there must be something else that i am missing -otherwise i wouldn't feel so lousy (so, i assume it has to do with work, since that's all there is outside of matt and madeline, right?).

there is more to life than love.

|oh yeah, this thing|

2008-03-29T20:11:00.002-04:00

occasionally, i forget about this thing called a blog.

the baby is amazing. and she's not so much a baby anymore. she's starting to crawl!

we officially have a "swear jar" in the house, now. it would be awful if madeline's first word were a swear word. lol.

|mile high|

2008-03-01T11:07:00.002-05:00

hello from denver.
seems like a nice enough town.

i've banished myself to my hotel room to finish working on my presentation for tuesday. i only get 10 minutes to talk, which seems like it would be cake... except that i feel like a phony. and the experts will destroy me.

but in the grand scheme of things, i guess it is only 10 minutes that will be quickly forgotten.

i miss madeline and matt fiercely.

|nibbling on toes|

2008-02-24T18:58:00.004-05:00

i am drunk in love with her.

boy, she loves solids! she pretty much loves everything she has tried so far. for some reason, the store-bought packets get a better reception than my homemade version of the same.

she loves to laugh and play and explore. she hates to nap.

she cut two teeth yesterday! her two bottom ones -and we think there is one top one that will pop any minute, now.

she is growing up so fast.

i can't get enough of the way she smells, and the way she hangs onto me when i hold her. she's starting to show separation anxiety. she cries if we walk out of the room and she can't see us. a couple of times, matt walked out of the room, and she didn't realize i was still with her.

oh, how she loves matt. she's all googly over him. (i know how she feels!)

she is so perfect and precious. i have been thinking a lot about what i want to do after my fellowship. another fellowship? a real job? academics? it is true that your priorities change during the course of medical training... life happens despite the fact that you are stuck in place. in the past few months, i have already learned how hard it is to be both a good wife & mother as well as a good physician. i am not sure that the two can peacefully coexist as priorities. something has to give, somewhere. one has to give up more than the other, and it is obvious to me which takes priority; i just wish it were easier to reconcile.

|coffee and crackers|

2008-02-07T08:49:00.001-05:00

all the turmoil that i bring home inside me at the end of the day -it is washed free when i look at her little face. we let her roll around on the floor. the cats entice her to be more mobile, but she will never catch up to them; they are always just out of tiny hands' reach. i feel peaceful, just watching her.

eventually, though, we all go to bed, and i lay awake thinking about work. even when i sleep and i dream about work. i've had this recurring dream for the past two weeks about my pager going off and not hearing it.

last night, she woke up at 1am and 3am and talked to herself for a while. but she went to sleep again. when i checked on her before work, she had fallen asleep reaching for her teddybear.

she likes sweet potatoes. she was doing a little dance every time she had a bite of sweet potato. she's thinking about liking pears, but hasn't decided yet.

she is so perfect.

|fleeting|

2008-02-04T20:19:00.000-05:00

these are the perfect days. she smiles and laughs so much. she takes comfort at my breast.

if only kisses could always make her laugh.

|smiles all around|

2008-02-03T21:06:00.000-05:00

look! it's picaso daddy!

one of the girls asked me why i wasn't going to "girls' night out". i didn't have a good lie, so i just told her the truth, "i want to stay home and hang out with the baby."

i think they were horrified. as if that were the point of a night out -to get away. oh well. i don't see her enough as it is. and i can't get enough of her as it is.

she has so many smiles. she likes bananas and she likes sweet potatoes. but she is still working on how to swallow when she wants.

this weekend went too fast.

|milk cows|

2008-01-31T15:56:00.003-05:00

me: i never want to be a milk cow. i know how they feel when they need to be milked...

matt: being a milk cow is better than being a meat cow.

|milk cows|

2008-01-31T15:56:00.001-05:00

me: i never want to be a milk cow. i know how they feel when they need to be milked...

matt: being a milk cow is better than being a meat cow.

|milk cows|

2008-01-31T15:55:00.001-05:00

me: i never want to be a milk cow. i know how they feel when they need to be milked...

matt: being a milk cow is better than being a meat cow.

|rice|

2008-01-26T22:07:00.000-05:00

she had rice cereal tonight. just a bite, most of it on her chin. she made terrific faces! and she smiled a big goofy smile.

when i got called in to work today, all i could think of was getting home so i could love her some more.

so, i got the fellowship i wanted. they called me on thursday and said the decision was unanimous, and my contract was in the mail. i'm really looking forward to working with this group of people. what an amazing opportunity. and what a shot of confidence to know that all the people with whom i will be working also want to work with me!

| on call | why is she so wonderful |

2008-01-25T19:35:00.000-05:00

i am addicted to her. just looking at a picture of her will boost my spirits while i'm at work.

we're going to start solids this weekend. it's a couple weeks earlier than expected, but she is definitely not getting enough calories from milk anymore. she's getting up almost twice a night to eat again. this will be lots of fun!

i think we'll start with sweet potatoes.

|foot in mouth|

2008-01-22T09:38:00.001-05:00

she is starting to chew on her toes. that big toe looks so fat and juicy. i bet it tastes good.

|the days slip by|

2008-01-21T20:15:00.000-05:00

matt asked me if i wanted to drop off madeline at daycare today, so i could go shopping (i have the day off). i couldn't do it. it seems like i don't have enough time to spend with her as it is... and even though i would love to get some free time, today wasn't the day.

so, matt took a half day, and the three of us went shopping together. of course, we bought her things. we can't resist. but there were great clearance sales at the baby clothing outlets, so she's set until her next big growth spurt. plus, she can't live in PJs/sleepers forever. it's about time we got her some real clothes. although, i must say that zippered and footed sleepers are terrific for little wee ones.

she has learned how to squeal, and she is practicing frequently. we call her "banshee baby" now. she was "wolf baby" when she was born because she would grunt and growl. and then she was the "vampire baby" because we never took her out to see the light of day, and she liked to suck on flesh. she has already led a very exciting life.

oh, and she's rolling. it's going to be time to babyproof soon!

i made her promise me that we would never fight.

|the art of living in peace|

2008-01-18T13:19:00.001-05:00

the great thing about residency is that no matter what, you know you are outta there in a matter of time.

i need to solidify my new year's resolutions:

- cook more often and cook whole, healthy foods

- read more pathology, study for the boards

- practice apathy, or the art of living in peace

- read 3 self-help books, any topic

- open one new investment

and the usual:

- be more sociable

- be a good friend

- be more patient

- get out of my head

madeline is teething. i hope she feels better soon. she's incredible, and exhausting. i can't get enough.

|teeth|

2008-01-15T20:34:00.000-05:00

she's defnitely teething. her left cheek is bright red, and she's drooling. her fingers are in her mouth, and sometimes she yells in pain. it's tough being a baby!

she motor skills are advancing daily. it's slow enough to not notice. but every once in a while, i am surpised to see her do something new. she likes spinning toys.

she's five months! and, as i sit here pumping, i am amazed that we are still breastfeeding. and it is easier now than it was. i didn't think it could be easy like this. we're so lucky.

she's a great baby. all i ask for now is some sleep.

|can't get enough|

2008-01-08T20:49:00.000-05:00

the girl has no ankles. she also has no wrists. she is so fat, we has fat folds where she has no joints! for example, she has a fold of fat in the middle of her forearm.

and yet, we obsess that she doesn't eat enough. i am not sure why. the other night, she wouldn't eat more than an ounce before bed. so i resigned myself to waking up sometime in the middle of the night to feed her. this was during a particularly difficult week of being on call. well, i got paged plenty of times, but she never woke up to eat.

i got up at 5am. she was still asleep.

why didn't she get up? she must be starving! she hasn't had a full meal in over 12 hours!

i start getting ready for work, and she still doesn't stir.

she's dead. that's it. oh my god, she starved to death.

i tiptoe to her door, and listen carefully for sounds of her breathing. moments later, i feel idiotic. babies don't starve to death overnight. especially not babies that are in the 95th percentile for their height and weight group.

parents think the weirdest, most irrational things.