|i wish i wish i wish|

there are 27 days until the boards. i am in a deep funk, cycling between manic studying and desperate avoidance of studying. i know that avoiding studying will not help me pass the exam -it will only make me feel much worse, and i'm not sure why i suddenly feel the urge to clean the back of the stove... maybe to get my mind off the test. except that maybe the best way to get my mind off the test is to get my brain into it. i feel so disorganized and helpless when large exams loom.

i can't sleep at night -which is made worse by matt being out of town. usually, if he wraps his arms around me, i can sleep.

in spite of not being able to fall asleep at night, i wake up in the wee hours of the morning and cogitate about the exam.

i set a schedule, but can't keep to it, which discourages me from setting schedules. i get lost in details, berate myself, and then wonder if that particular detail might be on the exam.

but, somehow, in the middle of this stressball-headcase, i crave matt and madeline more than ever. i can see how blessed i am. matt has been amazing, in spite of the stresses associated with his job and the economy right now. he left on tuesday, but on monday night, he made sure the garbage was taken out and that large boxes were moved out of the living room. his mind is here, with us and with taking care of us. i love him for that.

the number of lottery tickets purchased correlates with the proximity of large exams and increased stress. i stopped at giant this morning after dropping off madeline at daycare. there was corn on sale, and madeline loves corn (we all do! what's not to love!). on my way out, i stopped by the liquor store to buy a lotto ticket. it wasn't open, yet. i guess i won't be winning the lottery this week. wouldn't it be great if something like that could just come swoop in and save me from all this stress?

there is a ot of studying left to be done.

|more|

so, i have been wishing for more time with my family. more time to be free. i envy the people with normal jobs.

i have this day-by-day calendar that matt bought for me. i asked for a self-help or inspirational calendar this year. it has been really good to me. it's the seven habits of highly effective people. mostly, it talks about how to be proactive and not reactive. i have been thinking about this a lot. there is a lot of nurture and nature that needs to be changed in me. i have a lot to work on.

i have been logging some thoughts in a notebook. i am learning to open my eyes to things that i didn't see before. there are signs all around me.

one day, the calendar said to look at people as potential. i liked that a lot.

|28 days|

i am having my lunch break at the library, right now. pork shoulder sandwich. it smells like matt. i mean, it reminds me of him. because he smoked the pork shoulder over the weekend. i miss him.

when he is out of town, like now, i really appreciate how much he does around the house, and with madeline. these days, he pretty much takes care of everything since i'm always hiding out and studying.

madeline:
-wants to wear a dress every single day
-loves the color blue
-loves school buses (way more than regular buses)
-loves apples
-loves sue, but not sarah
-loves her new "baby sloop" (bathing suit)
-loves to play tea party

i would really like to pass this test and be done with the anxiety, already.