|i wish i wish i wish|
there are 27 days until the boards. i am in a deep funk, cycling between manic studying and desperate avoidance of studying. i know that avoiding studying will not help me pass the exam -it will only make me feel much worse, and i'm not sure why i suddenly feel the urge to clean the back of the stove... maybe to get my mind off the test. except that maybe the best way to get my mind off the test is to get my brain into it. i feel so disorganized and helpless when large exams loom.
i can't sleep at night -which is made worse by matt being out of town. usually, if he wraps his arms around me, i can sleep.
in spite of not being able to fall asleep at night, i wake up in the wee hours of the morning and cogitate about the exam.
i set a schedule, but can't keep to it, which discourages me from setting schedules. i get lost in details, berate myself, and then wonder if that particular detail might be on the exam.
but, somehow, in the middle of this stressball-headcase, i crave matt and madeline more than ever. i can see how blessed i am. matt has been amazing, in spite of the stresses associated with his job and the economy right now. he left on tuesday, but on monday night, he made sure the garbage was taken out and that large boxes were moved out of the living room. his mind is here, with us and with taking care of us. i love him for that.
the number of lottery tickets purchased correlates with the proximity of large exams and increased stress. i stopped at giant this morning after dropping off madeline at daycare. there was corn on sale, and madeline loves corn (we all do! what's not to love!). on my way out, i stopped by the liquor store to buy a lotto ticket. it wasn't open, yet. i guess i won't be winning the lottery this week. wouldn't it be great if something like that could just come swoop in and save me from all this stress?
there is a ot of studying left to be done.
i can't sleep at night -which is made worse by matt being out of town. usually, if he wraps his arms around me, i can sleep.
in spite of not being able to fall asleep at night, i wake up in the wee hours of the morning and cogitate about the exam.
i set a schedule, but can't keep to it, which discourages me from setting schedules. i get lost in details, berate myself, and then wonder if that particular detail might be on the exam.
but, somehow, in the middle of this stressball-headcase, i crave matt and madeline more than ever. i can see how blessed i am. matt has been amazing, in spite of the stresses associated with his job and the economy right now. he left on tuesday, but on monday night, he made sure the garbage was taken out and that large boxes were moved out of the living room. his mind is here, with us and with taking care of us. i love him for that.
the number of lottery tickets purchased correlates with the proximity of large exams and increased stress. i stopped at giant this morning after dropping off madeline at daycare. there was corn on sale, and madeline loves corn (we all do! what's not to love!). on my way out, i stopped by the liquor store to buy a lotto ticket. it wasn't open, yet. i guess i won't be winning the lottery this week. wouldn't it be great if something like that could just come swoop in and save me from all this stress?
there is a ot of studying left to be done.
posted by dora at
10:50 AM
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