|defiling magnet poetry|

guess who managed to turn magnet poetry into this?

i was surprised; i didn't think you could make anything dirty out of the words we had, but this showed up on the fridge.

the good news is that he still likes them, after all they have been through.

btw, the recipe is for a nice pesto.

|define me|

one more thought. i really envy people who have free time. i mean, really. people who have hobbies. people who have identities. people who have time to read or enjoy music for leisure. people who have leisure.

i want to give matt time, but i cannot. he is essential to the functioning of our household. he does daycare pickup and drop off. he is home evenings with madeline and puts her to bed if i am not there. he is consistent.

i wanted to sign him up for fencing or kung fu to give him free time (and health). but he is as trapped by my schedule as i am. how do we achieve better balance -more time?

|trapped in the car by rain|

things she's really into right now: "beanie bear" (pictured here), cleaning up before bed, dancing, her feet and her piggies and her shoes and her socks -anything that has to do with her feet, giving kisses, routines.

on the weekend, she grabbed her daycare lunchbag and headed toward the door. she sat in front of the door and pointed and grunted. apparently, she thought we were late for daycare.

she is really into telling us what to do. her first word is "down", which she enunciates quite clearly when she wants to get down from her highchair. she babbles like crazy and wants to tell us things. last night my parents brought over dinner and cookies. i think her second word may have been "cookie". so much for "mama" and "dada".

she tells us when it is time for her to eat by going to her high chair. she tells us when it is time for bath. she is pretty bossy, actually. but she is happy.

it is hard to remember what life was like a year ago, now. how tiny she was, and helpless. how busy and stressed and insecure we were (i was). the pumping and nursing... ugh. it seems so far away. this is why people have seconds (and thirds and fourths...). life seems relatively easy right now. i mean, life is busy, and i sometimes go days without seeing her beautiful face, but it is manageable.

i think about how priorities have shifted since madeline (well, since matt, actually) and it is surprising. i think the mistake i made in the past year or two was letting the balance shift too far towards home time. now i am paying for it by playing catch up studying. but i don't really regret it. and i think that being conscious of needing balance in my life is making the biggest difference right now. now, i often ask myself if life is balanced. for the most part, i am trying to stay true to that. it is not so bad right now. but i do worry about long term plans relating to a career and long term plans relating to future babies. i think i am starting to realize that there will be times in life when balance cannot be achieved and you just have to commit (short term or long term) to work or home and not both.

i am looking for solutions and watching those around me, especially those that i admire. people have struggled with this before me, and maybe they have ideas or experiences to share. i think maybe i am settling into my skin, after all.