|hiding out|

work: i am officially a regular resident again. it is great. the new chief is energetic and he will be outstanding. i think this switch is as good for the program as it is for me!

home: when i get annoyed at home, it is consistently about one thing: cleanliness. i am not a clean freak by any means. in fact, i am very lazy and prefer not to clean. knowing that i grew up in a completely sterile environment, you would be surprised at how much uncleanliness i can tolerate. but even i have limits. i hate crumbs; crumbs bring ants. i hate sticky floors -they are just GROSS. so, i bug matt to help me keep the place clean, but he is a man. he is genetically predisposed to not be clean. so i get annoyed, and then he gets annoyed that i am annoyed, and then we're both annoyed -and it's over something as stupid as sticky floors. so, i think that we need to talk about having someone help keep the house clean. (i know, i know... it sounds insane.) and i keep trying to justify it in my head. but what it comes down to is that i cannot do everything. and i am OK with that.

love: i love them. they are everything. i don't know why he loves me. i am just that lucky. friends are few but true.

baby: she is the best baby in the whole world. i know i'm her mom and all, but, really, she is the beset baby in the whole world. she has a really surprising sense of humor. she is starting to test some limits, and she is definitely developing her own ideas about things. she's just starting to develop tiny hissy fits about things, but she is easily distractable. she gives me kisses! things she loves: baby doll, her bag of balls, the can of tunafish(!), giving cats treats, milk, toy cell phone, putting on shoes, balloons, getting the mail out of the mailbox, naps.

things to work on: i need to lose about 10 pounds. since i stopped pumping, the weight has been creeping up. have a more positive attitude. study for the boards. pay attention to matt, more. be kinder.

|priorities and such|

so, i reprioritized my life for the next year. the problem in medicine is that you never really know what the next year will bring.

actually, i didn't reprioritize my life so much as my life forced me to do it. and it was pretty easy. not really. i guess it's never easy to rearrange life. the doing part is hard, but the thinking part wasn't so difficult. i think my priorities just did this lava-lamp kind of thing where the most important layer floated to the top. oil on water.

and, of course, family came out on top. that was a no-brainer. i guess that is what i meant by it not being so hard.

so this means that, indirectly, studying for the boards came out second. because that is also in the best interests of the family. more so than work. work took a dive to last place... behind even cleaning my bathrooms.

the doing part will be hard, but it will work itself out, too. i have faith.

|peaches, candy, ponies|

ok, so things don't always go great around here.

i am overworked at home as much as i am at the hospital. the overworking at the hospital can be mostly resolved by giving up the chief position. i think this will help a lot. unfortunately, the overworking at home can't be resolved that easily. i mean, what do i do? -give up the mom and wife position?

matt is mad at me. he is out mowing the lawn right now -in the dark. at least he's being useful while he's mad.

it hardly seems fair, though. he is mad because i am not home enough during the week. i go to work before madeline gets up in the morning, and many nights i come home after she is in bed. this is not my favorite thing to do, either. i think a lot of this will be resolved after they find a new chief resident -after which i plan to make myself scarce.

so, by the time i do get home, there are bottles to wash, dishes to clean, floors to mop (babies are messy), etc. and then by the time i actually sit down to study, i have maybe 30 minutes. and sometimes, of course, i have to pay attention to my husband. (who is now stomping around the house and sulking.)

weekends are spent with family -grandparents visiting, getting groceries for the week, weddings, obligatory socialization so we don't become complete hermits, playing with madeline, laundry, and cooking food to feed our hungry holes.

so, really, there is not much time for studying. and when i do sit down to study, it is often interrupted by other things that need to be done.

but really, i want to pass my boards.

so, i have set up a study session on saturdays with a coworker. most people don't understand medical studying. when i say "study", i don't mean i sit for an hour and read. or even two hours and read. today, we did 4.5 hours without break, and this was only interrupted by matt calling me and asking me to come home. and all we studied was the thyroid. i think maybe matt doesn't understand what i mean when i say study. and maybe he thinks i can accomplish this same studying at home.

so, he is now mad at me because i am not home enough. and i am annoyed because when i am home, all i do is work my tail off to keep the house running and clean. i am never watching tv or playing computer games or wasting time. so, is he mad because he has to help out more so i can have some time? this is a guy who doesn't even move the dirty pans off the stove when he is done cooking. he just ignores them like they don't exist. and i clean them up while he goes to play on his computer.

this is not to say that he doesn't help around the house. he does. for example, i don't have to think about taking out the garbage or mowing the lawn. these things happen for me just as magically as dirty pans become clean for him.

i am just frustrated because surely he can see that i am not running off to hang out and play games. i am running off (away from my beloved daughter that i don't see enough, already) so i can pass my boards and make money to support us. believe me, i would rather be home. in fact, i would rather be washing dirty pans at home.

so, now what? i have no plan of action. i have no thoughts or resolution for this... except that i still need to study for the boards. and i have already given up as much as i can at work. i have verbally asked him to help me out more. i don't know if he understands what i mean. and i think he also takes a bit of offense to this.

anyway, he is done clomping all around. he's sitting on the couch ignoring me. i guess i should go do something. how do i explain that i need to study away from the house?

some advice would be welcome. i don't know what goes through a guy's head.

|yes man|

i have trouble saying no to people. i think that may be how i ended up married to matt.

i kid. obviously.

but, today, i did something tremendous for myself. i asked my program director to find a new chief resident. purely selfish reasons... like i need time to study for the boards, and i need time for myself. and the baby. who is really not so much a baby anymore.

i am so relieved. that was a pretty hard thing for me to do. i should never have said yes to a second year of chief duties. now i've mucked and muddled in things.... and i've probably made some people annoyed. but i did the right thing -for me.

|self aware|

matt has put balusters up on our stairs. this is to prevent babies from falling. these little tasks around the house don't seem like they are so difficult -until one actually has to do it. it's been a six week project with a lot of hair-pulling. the balusters aren't even, but i think matt gets a great sense of satisfaction from having made it himself -and it is safe.

on a practical note, we may have to hire someone to do it over again before we sell the house, but i don't think i'll mention that to matt until the time comes. one might wonder why we didn't hire someone to make it in the first place... well, then we wouldn't have amusing memories of us trying to figure out basic algebra. and, really, i have learned to pick my battles.

i think being self-aware is way overrated.