|when the boys are out|

last night, i put madeline to bed, paid some bills, and then wondered what to do with myself.... matt decided to crash on the future groom's couch for the night (smart idea). i imagine that the planning of the bachelor party turned into a pre-bachelor party.... drunk video-game playing. but no lechery -at least no live lechery. ha.

so, what does a gal do on a night like that?

talk on the phone with jessie, have some wine, make a giant bowl of pasta with olive oil and garlic, blog, and stay up until 1:30am watching "transvestite wives" on the dvr.

i guess that's probably what i did as a single person... it's a miracle i ever got married. i'd probably still be doing that to this day if i hadn't met matt.

matt hates watching the shows i record on the dvr. he refuses to watch them with me -they are mostly about transexuals, gays, and morbidly obese people. well, in more general terms, they are shows about people's relationships with their sexuality and with food. matt calls them my "fatties and queers" shows.

and the giant bowl of pasta is my equivalent of a giant bowl of ice cream. serious indulgence -very, very bad for the waistline.

if you'll notice, i haven't mentioned the gym in a long time... but it's not for the right reason. that bowl of pasta might push me back to that sweaty dungeon, though.

|she changes|

she changes everyday. everyday i fall in love with the new madeline.

matt is out at a pre-bachelor party... it's the tux fitting and the planning of future lechery. so madeline and i are on our own. she cried and clutched at me tonight when i put her to bed. she is in the separation anxiety phase. pauvre petite.

she needs a haircut again. already!

|the lost art|

i've been having a great time on my derm elective. there is more to life than medicine. and derm is the perfect rotation for demonstrating this.

i miss talking. i find it unbelievable that i have no one to talk to -besides matt. i mean, i don't even like talking, but i do like talking about philosophy and the arts and social sciences. it is hard to find people in medicine who like to talk about these things. and i don't mean talk about it like taking turns telling each other what they know about everything. i mean conversing. analyzing. wondering aloud to one another. i miss that. conversation is an art. it involves listening -not just waiting your turn.

i don't know the last time i had a real conversation with someone. a meaningless, meaningful conversation.

i guess there isn't enough time these days.

|sweet|

i have been thinking more. maybe because i am away from the negativity of the basement.

i realized that i am most passionate about words. (tied with food, of course.) words well-formed and placed are unspeakably intimate and moving.

it is surprising how people are hardwired. some are moved by people, by music, or nature.

most music sounds like noise to me, except for a great deal of classical music -which sounds like words.

thinking back to those formative years, of course it makes sense. i spent the first 20+ years of my life with my nose in a book. the words in those books shaped me.

funny that i like words so much, but parcel them out so carefully when i speak.

|tomorrow|

there's this silly thing i do when i drive to work. i sing "tomorrow" from the musical Annie. yes, as in the sun will come out, tomorrow -bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun. etc. etc.

i started doing it during my first year of residency, when i was pretty beat down. i didn't really believe the words of the song, but it was something to do. and it took my mind off work. and, honestly, i don't know the words to many songs. in fact, i think i only know two lines of "tomorrow" and some of the refrain.

it got me going on cold, dark mornings as i headed down to the basement... especially during the winter when i hadn't seen the sun in weeks. i still do it now and again.

|thoughts|

i drove to the wrong building today.
good thing i had the gps unit in my car.
this is why people should eat breakfast.

my goal is to relax more.
i find myself tense for no reason. i suppose it is just hard-wired into me.
i should work out. i guess going to the gym didn't last long. it's just too low on my list of priorities. it shouldn't be, though. i need to move it up.... i know it can be done. and i bet i would be less tense if i could get a good workout on a regular basis.

|time flies|

weekends disappear.

when she naps, i count the minutes until she wakes up. i ache to hold her.

she is cruising about and starting to explore kitchen cabinets. the packaging for cat treats is remarkably similar to that of baby treats. it's a good thing she didn't get to the contents! i doubt cat treats taste nearly as good as yogurt melts.


she is such a good baby. she's been having a bump in the road with bed time for the past few days. she normally lays down with her flat bear and her piggy-in-a-blanket and we don't hear from her until 7am. when this doesn't happen, i am confident that something is wrong -usually sickness. she has been crying at bedtime, lately. and today we had the answer... more teeth! (at last.) hopefully she will be sporting them in some cute photos soon. i hope a whole bunch of pearly whites come in one fell swoop... get the misery over with quick.

she's been using her two bottom (and only) teeth to bite off chunks of banana. more teeth mean more food opportunities! so far, her favorites include banana, rice congee, and cheerios.

as for me, lately i have been wondering, "how can i be approaching 30 years and still not feel like i belong in my own skin?" i have a lot of work to do.

|workout day two|

my goal is to make working out the norm. i think the measure of success will be when i stop mentioning that i went to the gym.

one of our cats has diarrhea. i know because it is on our carpet. they are going to become mittens. i guess i should feel bad for whichever cat is sick, but i can't even fathom how they could get sick. they eat the same thing day in and day out. and they never go outside. cat diarrhea is the worst. you can't even imagine... the carpet just soaks it right up!

anyway, lots of things to say, not enough time. i'm on a study schedule, so i should go study.

|tight bods|

she is just that wonderful.

she knows what "no" means. and she is a fast learner. she wanted to play with the cat food, and we told her "no, not for Madeline." she sat back, looked at the cat food, and shook her head "no". it was the cutest thing.

later, when she was playing in the kitchen again, she looked at the cat food dish and started to reach for it. she stopped herself and shook her head "no" and then chose something else to play with!

matt and i observed this from across the room with disbelief. after a moment of stunned silence, we showered her with praise and kisses. boy, we got a good one!

i made it over to the gym today. there's nothing like working out at a college gym to remind yourself that your body isn't the tight 18-year-old thing it used to be. oh well.