|attention hog|

it is time to study. no more goofing off.

i also discovered that the local university down the street will let me use their gym facilities for free! i am going to take advantage of that. i don't know how to find more time in the day, but i know that it can be done. i just have to reprioritize and become more efficient.

madeline brings more joy each day. today, she gave us kisses! (her version of kisses, anyway.) big, open-mouthed slobbers count in my book.

we found a rabbit warren in my garden! it's full of tiny writhing baby bunnies. We haven't planted anything yet, so now I am not sure that we will.

|pizza, fries, and wings|

we went out for dinner tonight!

we walked down the street to the pizza shop with madeline. it was nice to go out to eat together -the three of us. madeline had some french fries and little bits of pizza. she even had a couple bits of chicken from the wings. but of course milk ruled the night.

she is more demanding these days, making her opinion known. i marvel at her resilience and hope to have more time to spend with her.

she smiles a great big smile when i get home from work. it is like the sun shining at the end of the day. what could be more perfect?

|one funny thing|

so, i have a mini goal. or several.
i seem to always set these little goals, and never feel like they are met. so, now i set a target date. tomorrow and friday, my goal is to wear my contacts to work. this is a physical self-improvement goal.

in addition, my goal for the remainder of the week is to think of something funny at least once per day and say it out loud to test it out. sadly, that is a high bar for me. and i would be shocked if anybody else found my thought funny.

today, about halfway through my leftover chicken chow mein, i found a bug. the splayed, leggy black body was plastered onto a grain of rice -a stark contrast of colors. time of death, as best i could estimate, was in the hours to days range rather than minutes ago. i pushed it aside, debating whether i would just eat around it (still being quite hungry).

i thought: in some parts of the world, people eat bugs. maybe not this kind of bug... but in other parts of the world, people eat food that isn't as clean as this. a little bug in my food is nothing. the rest of the meal didn't touch the bug, so it should be fine. i should just keep eating.

but in the end, i couldn't bring another forkful to my mouth. my stomach felt both hungry and ill. guilt-ridden, i dumped the rest of the meal in the trash bin. i felt spoiled. it was a weird moment... feeling spoiled for wanting to eat clean food? sometimes i get strange ideas.

i feel far from myself.

|end of day|

at the end of a day, she is there. it's such a good feeling it's not always relaxing, but that's ok. she is still perfect.

i picked her up from daycare tonight, since matt had to work late. she looked about ready to fall asleep. she was super tired and fussy. at home, she ate, but then started throwing fits and yelling.

she would yell, "dadadadadada-nininini- dadadada -ni ni ni ni." she's been babbling a lot, lately -stringing lots of sound stogether.

when i brought her upstairs to change her diaper and put on her jammies, she cheered up and calmed right down. she was happy to go "night-night" and grabbed flatbear right away. now i am wondering if she was yelling out for da-da and for night-night. i don't know. she went out like a light.

|happy mother's day||

even though i clearly stated that mother's day is not a gift-giving holiday, i received lots of things.

1. dogfish head 120 minute IPA (lovely, but a bit sweet. i felt tipsy at 1/3 of the way into the glass. turns out, it's 40 proof!)

2. a most unusual bottle of gin

3. an attache/laptop bag for work

4. a bib that says "I love mommy" (obviously not for me, although i do slobber when drunk.)

the first two gifts were from matt, and the last two were from madeline. as you can see, life exists after a baby -and drinking ensues after baby's bedtime. oh yes, and the picture is displaying madeline's artwork from daycare. it is a butterfly magnet for mother's day. i suspect that she had some help, especially since all she really does right now is put things into her mouth.

matt is also making dinner tonight (if he ever wakes up from his nap -he passed out on the couch after putting madeline to nap). he came home from the grocery store with some expensive-looking steaks and some gorgeous scallops. it's quite the hullaballoo today -but matt says that i better remember this when father's day rolls around. ha!

last night, i woke up to madeline sobbing in her crib. i think she lost flat bear to the other end of the crib and didn't know where to find him. i changed her diaper as she hiccuped her last tears away, and i thought my heart would break. i want so badly for her to be happy, but i also know that i can't do everything for her. a lost lovey is easy to fix. i wish it could always be so simple.

she is an amazing baby. we have hit a sweet spot in parenting. she's on a great routine, and she naps pretty easily. she goes down for bed at night, and we generally don't see her until the morning. she is easy right now. we feel like great parents... but things will change quickly. she's been standing a lot, lately. walking will be interesting. and she has been making her opnions known. smashing food out of the spoon. making faces and whining when she doesn't get her milk right away. writhing and yelling in church. our sweet spot can't last forever.

sometimes i am still surprised that she is mine. how did i get so lucky?

|those cheeks!|

things i like: when someone hides around the corner and yells "boo!" to scare me. fresh bananas. puffs. feeding myself. kisses from mom and dad. long walks. milk! standing. kitty. the other kitty. smacking things with the palm of my hand. balmex. pig in a blanket. flat bear. wind in my face. sucking in my face. peek a boo. books and papers, especially cards. squealing. touching my hair. sticking my finger in my ear.

|may|

today, i hung out in my jammies, chased the cats, looked at plants at home depot, and visited the grandparents. grandma made me congee, which i really like. i crawled around a lot, and stood a few times. i bumped my head twice, and cried a little bit. grandma and grandpa got me some new toys, which i really like. one is a finger pupper glove!

today is a good day.