|peaches, candy, ponies|

ok, so things don't always go great around here.

i am overworked at home as much as i am at the hospital. the overworking at the hospital can be mostly resolved by giving up the chief position. i think this will help a lot. unfortunately, the overworking at home can't be resolved that easily. i mean, what do i do? -give up the mom and wife position?

matt is mad at me. he is out mowing the lawn right now -in the dark. at least he's being useful while he's mad.

it hardly seems fair, though. he is mad because i am not home enough during the week. i go to work before madeline gets up in the morning, and many nights i come home after she is in bed. this is not my favorite thing to do, either. i think a lot of this will be resolved after they find a new chief resident -after which i plan to make myself scarce.

so, by the time i do get home, there are bottles to wash, dishes to clean, floors to mop (babies are messy), etc. and then by the time i actually sit down to study, i have maybe 30 minutes. and sometimes, of course, i have to pay attention to my husband. (who is now stomping around the house and sulking.)

weekends are spent with family -grandparents visiting, getting groceries for the week, weddings, obligatory socialization so we don't become complete hermits, playing with madeline, laundry, and cooking food to feed our hungry holes.

so, really, there is not much time for studying. and when i do sit down to study, it is often interrupted by other things that need to be done.

but really, i want to pass my boards.

so, i have set up a study session on saturdays with a coworker. most people don't understand medical studying. when i say "study", i don't mean i sit for an hour and read. or even two hours and read. today, we did 4.5 hours without break, and this was only interrupted by matt calling me and asking me to come home. and all we studied was the thyroid. i think maybe matt doesn't understand what i mean when i say study. and maybe he thinks i can accomplish this same studying at home.

so, he is now mad at me because i am not home enough. and i am annoyed because when i am home, all i do is work my tail off to keep the house running and clean. i am never watching tv or playing computer games or wasting time. so, is he mad because he has to help out more so i can have some time? this is a guy who doesn't even move the dirty pans off the stove when he is done cooking. he just ignores them like they don't exist. and i clean them up while he goes to play on his computer.

this is not to say that he doesn't help around the house. he does. for example, i don't have to think about taking out the garbage or mowing the lawn. these things happen for me just as magically as dirty pans become clean for him.

i am just frustrated because surely he can see that i am not running off to hang out and play games. i am running off (away from my beloved daughter that i don't see enough, already) so i can pass my boards and make money to support us. believe me, i would rather be home. in fact, i would rather be washing dirty pans at home.

so, now what? i have no plan of action. i have no thoughts or resolution for this... except that i still need to study for the boards. and i have already given up as much as i can at work. i have verbally asked him to help me out more. i don't know if he understands what i mean. and i think he also takes a bit of offense to this.

anyway, he is done clomping all around. he's sitting on the couch ignoring me. i guess i should go do something. how do i explain that i need to study away from the house?

some advice would be welcome. i don't know what goes through a guy's head.