|sweet smiles|

the past couple of days, madeline has been all smiles and coos. i think she got over her virus, although she sounds as hoarse as a 40 pack-year smoker.

we moved her up to a larger sized nipple, even though all the breast feeding advice says to stay with a newborn nipple. she is eating better and faster with the bottle, now. i just hope that she doesn't get mad when the boob is slower.

she is getting really good at putting items into her mouth. and i've noticed her transfer items from one hand to the next. she's also been learning cause and effect... she loves her fisher price aquarium, and today she kept pressing the button for 1.5 hours. i actually thought the button was broken because it kept playing. but matt peeked in on her, and she was pressing it! (instead of napping)

it has been such a joy to be home with her for the past week.

|merry first christmas|

her hair is poofy because she got daddy's cowlicks. she wants to be just like daddy. and, lately, everything is going into her mouth. even her velvet dress. (i imagine the texture is very interesting to her.)

|baby's breath|

she is still fighting the breast, and the bottle. it's not just a nursing strike... it's something weird -like she's afraid that she can't breathe when she's eating. she gets all panicky and flails and screams... and she gets all sweaty. if i'm nursing, i can force her head into position, and she calms down. it sounds rough, and it feels rough, but it's the only way to calm her and get her to eat.

she's been really fussy over the past few days, and i think it's because she is hungry. but when we try to feed her, she freaks out and won't eat. i hope this passes soon. i want my happy, chubby baby back.

she's smiling, laughing, making raspberries. she tries so hard to sit up. i caved and bought her a bumbo baby chair. it's adorable. i'll have to get the photos off the camera, later.

she is drooling lots, and she is really starting to get everything into her mouth. the day to day changes aren't as dramatic now as they were in the earlier weeks. it is amazing how your world can revolve around one tiny being.

|19 weeks|

19 weeks and 19 pounds.

we did the typical parent thing. she was running a fever the other day, and crying a LOT. we took her to the pediatrician's office. she giggled and cooed for him, even as the thermometer went up her behind. no temperature at all.

he looked at us and pronounced her perfectly healthy. a little bit of eczema -nothing that a bit of cream wouldn't help.

i knew it would play out that way, even as we were driving there. we were going to look like the classic neurotic parents on christmas eve.

"but, but her poop is green..." i was desperate to not look desperate.

"any color is fine," he practically rolled his eyes at me.

i sighed, bundled her up again, and headed home. a cure for a fever and a cranky baby? ... take her to the pediatrician.

|developments; waiting|

30 min until pump-time and sleep.

a strange series of events emerged from my interview on monday. i was offered the fellowship position on wednesday, and i have been asked to make a decision by january 2nd.

my first mistake was telling the program director that i was also interviewing for another fellowship program in the same institution. my second mistake was thinking he was my friend. and my third mistake was telling him the date of the other interview when he asked me (mid-jan).

now, he's playing a tough game. he's forcing me to make a decision on his fellowship offer before i have the opportunity to interview with the second group. potentially, if i delay acceptance, he can give the position to other people. being the ivory tower, i am sure there are plenty of well-qualified people banging down his door. on the other hand, if i accept right away, i am doing myself a disservice. i really want the other fellowship. this one was meant to be "back-up" (ha! as if anything at ivory tower would be a back-up plan!).

honestly, i never thought i'd be lucky enough to be in this position.

so, after he put the screws to me on wednesday, i gathered up all the gumption i could gather, and i called the other fellowship program. i figured it couldn't hurt. (a bird in hand, right?)

to my great surprise, they moved my interview date to friday -the very next day.

i was told, "It is hard to find good people." this fellowship has many, many applications. eight people were invited for interview, and five are considered top-notch. i guess i am one of those five. they are going to help me find a solution to my problem before the week is over.

i guess any answer is a good answer, as long as it is a "yes" or a "no". if they tell me to wait, i don't know what i would do. it would be reasonable for them to tell me to wait, since they need the opportunity to interview their other top candidates.

i am on pins and needles. i really, really want the second fellowship. this kind of decision can change a career path.

madeline is running a fever. she's really unhappy.

i can't stop buying christmas presents for people. i think matt should chain me to the house. at least i can't shop online anymore, since it's too late to ship items for christmas.

i am so glad for some time off.... maybe tomorrow i will make some fudge.

|oh, cranky baby|

seems like madeline is a bit of a cranky baby.

i keep having to restrain myself from buying her more toys. (well, her and matt, both!) in spite of not being able to get out and shop as much during this holiday season, i seem to have done pretty well with my christmas list. we've hit a peak of online shopping in this house. there's a box or two on our porch almost everyday... from baby supplies to christmas gifts.

i have a fellowship interview at the ivory tower across town tomorrow. i guess you could say i'm a bit nervous. while it is probably every young scientist's dream to end up there, i don't feel ready. i probably never will. that's my own insecurities, though.

not much holiday baking this year... just too busy, i guess. hopefully i'll be able to get some holiday baking done during my days off. i have a turkey defrosting... and i'm thinking about cooking up a roast! i've never done that before -should be fun. the in-laws will be here right after christmas, so i should make some fudge, too. they are fans.

|the sweetest thing|

it's all going by so fast.

her latest thing is not eating. apparently, my milk is like poison to her. sometimes, she screams and flails. sometimes, she just looks at me and smiles, but refuses to eat. sometimes, i know she is really hungry but she's more interested in sucking instead of eating. that's when she gets mad the most. what? there's milk in here?! ahhhhhh!!!! i have to trick her into eating by waiting until she is good and tired.

sesame seems to have accepted the baby. she gave madeline a few head-butts. fry, on the other hand, wants nothing to do with her. he's been pooping outside his litter box, too. he was always a needy cat, though.

our deep freezer is half full with milk. i thought i could slow down my pumping schedule. i figured that i didn't have to be putting away 2 extra servings in to the freezer everyday. that would help me cut back at least one pumping session at work (currently twice a day). it's really hard to find the time to pump twice. some days, i'm dragging that pump everywhere with me, hoping to find a few minutes to myself between meetings and work. some days it's just too busy to pump twice. so, switching to a once-a-day schedule would have helped a lot.

but, turns out that the bottles in which we were scalding the milk contained a carcinogenic chemical. so, there goes another 2-3 months of work. i'm back to square one. we bought some glass bottles for scalding, and a new set of chemical-free bottles for feeding (hopefully arriving today).

plus, one of my friends, whose wife has breasfed three babies, suggested that i keep pumping like crazy until i wean. he thinks, "what's wrong with extra mom's milk, even if they are weaned? give your kid a few extra months of the good stuff -as long as you can stand that much pumping." he's right, of course. and i've been really lucky with having a strong supply.

plus, there's no feeling so great as knowing that your baby's belly is full of warm, nutritious milk!