|make the moment last|

i can't believe my time is almost over with madeline. just when i was starting to get the hang of it. just when she was starting to look at me, and stay away a little longer.... and smile.

some days, i looked forward to going back to work. but, mostly, i have this awful sense of dread about it. how will i be able to go so many hours without looking at her fat little cheeks, or smell her baby/spit-up scent?

i'm on the search for a pumping room, now. i've already emailed my attending for october to warn him. i hope he is pretty laid back... he is an immunologist, after all. if anyone can appreciate the importance of breast feeding, i'd think it would be an immunologist.

so, now that we're getting into the swing of things, i'm discovering all this CRAP that i bought that is completely USELESS. well, actually, less-than-optimally-functioning is more like it. i guess that is part of the parenting game. all these bottle accessories and such. overly-complicated.

in an effort to stash away breast milk, i had stockpiled a few days in the fridge. la leche league says that it is good for up to 8 days in the fridge. ha! poor madeline was really mad when she got sour milk. twice! we didn't know why she was fussing the first time. we finally caught on the second time. so, we're keeping the stash ultra fresh, now. no more than 48 hours.

she calls... gotta run.

|six weeks: falling into place|

i wish i knew at week one what i know now. too bad babies don't hand you a manual when they arrive! but things are going really well, now.

and we're applying advice from all those baby method books... and it's working. she eats and plays and sleeps. sleeping has gotten better because we can tell when she's fussing because she is overtired. that's what a lot of the fussing was about -wanting to sleep but not knowing how to get there!

breast feeding is going well. pumping is going ok -the real test will be going back to work next week.

she's awake much more in the past few days. looking around. lots of looking and looking and looking. she's starting to find her fist to suck on. she never really took the pacifier; we had mixed feelings about it anyway. it did help her get calmed down a few times. she's a big comfort sucker.

she's starting to smile at us. genuine smiles. looks right in your eyes and smiles.

she's been lifting her head, too, during tummy time.

i've already boxed up all of her newborn and 0-3month clothing! some of it she didn't even get to wear. some of it still has tags on it! i've been sorting through the 3-6 month clothes (we got a load of clothes from a friend who had 2 girls) and i'm hoping that she will slow down her monstrous growth.

i went out of the house again this weekend. got a hair cut (which, of course, i hate) and some new shoes. i bought 5 pairs of shoes! (my pre-baby shoes no longer fit... it's true.) i finally bought a pair of pumas! i found them on the clearance rack. all in all, i spent just under $200 on shoes. i've been saving my allowance for months for the big post-preggo splurge.

i haven't bought any real clothing yet. i guess i'm waiting to see how much weight i can lose before going back to work. but since that is next week, i should probably buy a few things to tide me over until i fit my own clothing again.

my resolution is to only buy things i like. even if it means spending a little bit more money. and to get in shape and take better care of my appearance on a day to day basis. i promised myself that i would only buy comfortable shoes, and i think i managed to do that (but we'll see when i actually wear them for hours on end) -again, even if it means spending a little more money.

babies have it easy. it doesn't matter what they wear... they're perfect anyway.

|check up|

so, she is a monster baby! her one month check-up (5 weeks old) and she is 12 lb 11 oz! no wonder she has been exploding through her newborn diapers! too bad we have nearly a whole case left. i'm going to make a diaper cake and give all the leftover diapers to a friend who is expecting. hopefully, she will finish her size 2 diapers before she outgrows them.

the weather has turned really nice -maybe a bit chilly, even. i love autumn.

last night, i had my first real outing without the baby. i mean, i've been going to pick up our csa veggies every week, but that's not really much of an outing. last night, i pumped, left dad with a bottle, and went shopping! we needed a few baby things and some more thank you notes. i thought there would be time to get some new shoes (since my feet have gone up a size!), but that will have to wait for another day.

it was weird. i kept thinking about her and feeling a little lost.

i bought a pair of "fat jeans" last night. i don't want to buy too many clothes right now, since i probably won't be wearing them for very long. but the weight loss has slowed down, so i figured that i would need something that i could hang out in that's not maternity pants! the first month, the weight just melted off. at 4 weeks, i'd lost 30 pounds. and that's with absolutely no exercise -just sitting around breast feeding all day, and napping. next week i should be good to start a work-out routine.

i've got a little bit to go still before i will be fitting into my good clothes, but i think that by thanksgiving, i should be back in shape. hopefully sooner. matt says that her weight gain must have something to do with my weight loss. i'm sure he is right. my fat is transforming into extra chins for her. hopefully, she will put those chins to good use. i don't want to end up on montel or oprah with an 80 pound 3 year old!

anyway, i think getting out of the house was good for me. she is settling in, and although things still continue to change every day, i think we're getting the hang of it. we're reading books about sleep, now. babywise. baby whisperer. healthy sleep habits, happy child. etc. so much reading, but hard to implement. babies do their own thing.

she's sleeping up to 6 hrs at night, now. hopefully she will stretch that out to 8 hours for me, soon.

|5 weeks|

she's 5 weeks today. tomorrow is her one month check-up. we're interested to see how much she weighs... she has got so many fat rolls! and her chins... we can't even count how many there are because they all sort of blend together.

breast feeding is getting better and better. we're introducing the bottle, now, so she is ready for when i have to go back to work. it's pretty confusing how much breast milk i am supposed to put into the bottle.

i think i've been putting enough milk in, but she cries and cries after the bottle is finished. i think it is because she prefers to comfort suck at the boob, and the bottle isn't satisfying that need. but maybe the pediatrician will be able to tell me more about how much to feed her.

a lot of times, i still don't understand her cries, which is frustrating for me. we're trying not to let her associate food with sleep, so we do a little awake time or activity after she eats to wake her up a little bit. then we lay her down to sleep a little later. overall, that seems to have been working 60-70% of the time. but sometimes she cries. matt says it is because she is lonely. of course, that tugs my heartstrings and we cuddle with her, but i know we're teaching her bad sleep habits if we rock her to sleep. we have some sleep books arriving in the mail soon. hopefully the experts will have better advice for us.

babies don't come with manuals. i know they are all different, but it seems like a lot of things should be almost the same. like how much they eat, how much they sleep, when they prefer to have their fussy time of day... i can't believe they just let people take these tiny little people home from the hospital. okay, good luck! have fun! you'll figure it out eventually.... i mean, you have to pass a test to drive a car! how can they just let you take a baby home?! shouldn't there be some sort of instruction manual that you have to read before you can have a baby?

even then, you can read as much as you want before the baby comes. everything seems so easy before the baby. lol. it's different after the baby is actually here.

more pictures soon...

|oh, how they grow|

well, maybe i'm just a slow learner, but i'm starting to get the hang of reading her signals. and i'm paying less attention to all these "methods". i feel way better. funny thing, though, i'm still kind of afraid of her.

she's one month and one day today. next week, she has her one month checkup, and of course i'm anxious about taking her out of the house. i'm not sure why. i just feel like we're safer at home, and if she cries, i can help her. kind of silly, since there's nothing magical about being in the house.

we're going to work on introducing bottles this weekend. i think that will help a lot. i won't feel like she always needs my boob. and i won't feel like she is helpless without me.

i didn't think i would worry this much. lol. we'll get better at breastfeeding, though. and we'll eventually be able to go shopping and visiting and such. someday, maybe, i'll even nurse in public. yikes!

hard to believe how much she has grown in just one month. i really do wish we had taken more pictures of her. our announcements finally arrived today! we didn't have a newborn picture of her to put on it... time just flies!

|methods|

i can't help but worry that i am always doing something wrong.

i spend all day reading about "methods" of caring for a baby. there's babywise, attachment parenting, the baby whisperer... and now, i'm just confused and think that everything i'm doing is going to send our child to therapy by age 5.

i can't help but think there must be a "right way" of doing things and i just have to find it. i know i'm wrong, though. what i really need to do is chill out, enjoy what time we have together, and stop stressing about it.

she cries a lot, and i feel helpless. i wish she could tell me what she wanted. i want her to be happy. so far, the boob seems to be happiest place on earth for her.

i bought a bunch more stuff online today. breastfeeding accessories and such... the prices at http://www.breastpumpsdirect.com/ are pretty good -mostly better than what i saw at target and amazon.

she's getting up soon. next week we're going to start bottles.

|like a weed|

|such intensity|

ok, here she is...

madeline mei jin h---

born on august 13th, 2007 at 3:14am.

7 pounds 12.5 oz and 20.5 inches.

she came on her due date -punctual; i like that!

a few words on maternity leave...

so, it took me over 3 weeks to post something here. our birth announcements still haven't been mailed, and i think i have one lingering thank you note to send out.

i thought maternity leave would be a period of quiet reflection, nurturing, and bonding. i thought there would be time for everything. i thought i could read, work on my personal statements for fellowship applications, blog, make rosaries(!) and contemplate the beauty of my sleeping darling. in reality, there is only time for her. her feeding, pooping, fussing...

there is no time. for dishes, laundry, mail and bills. there isn't even enough time to take pictures of her. the days are slipping by so fast. she is growing so quickly and i feel like these moments are like sand in my fist. the more i try to clutch and cling to them, the faster they disappear. and yet, when she cries, it is like an eternity.

i miss sleep. i envy matt. he is always rested. and he gets to do the fun things with her. he isn't exhausted of her by the end of the day. he has the energy to take her out on walks, while mom tries to catch a nap at home before they come back and she wants to eat again.

we are breast feeding. it has been a harrowing experience. i promised to give it 2 weeks. i cried and wanted to quit. when we made it to 2 weeks, i promised three. i stopped crying, but i still wanted to quit. now, we're going to make it to 4 weeks, and every day is going to get better.

hopefully, by the time maternity leave is up, we will be pros at it.

she's incredible.