|when you need something done|

...give it to a busy person.

it is crazy busy. but i am learning a lot. i need to hide out and study.

madeline-time has been sparse, lately. it is really tough to go days without seeing her. i sneak out before she is up, and get home after her bedtime. i wish there were more time in the day. well, not really; the days are long enough.

today, i got home earlier. the pleasure of bathing her, feeding her, changing her, and putting her down to bed... sure, it is work, but it is joyous work. when i rinse out her shampoo and massage her baby skin, i am enveloped in her little presence. her perfect little muffin top belly calls to me. i want to inhale her, swallow her, squish her. i love her so much.

she is signing a few things, now. she signs "eat" (though not frequently), "more", "sleep", and "down". she uses bye-bye as her signal that she wants to get down from the high chair or get out of the bath. she is pretty good at asking for a nap or night-night, too. she is starting to sign the word "bath" in conjunction with "sleep" since she usually gets one before bed. i am not sure that we will give her too many more signals. it would be nice for her to start using some words, too. we gave her a few to help her feel less frustated. now, instead of throwing a fit, she will sign to get down from the high chair. that is very helpful to us all.

she has been an easy baby.

discussions on seconds have been nipped in the bud. the boards will be my baby this year. matt understands the pressure i am under. he has been very helpful. i just need to study hard and pass.

|when the boys are out|

last night, i put madeline to bed, paid some bills, and then wondered what to do with myself.... matt decided to crash on the future groom's couch for the night (smart idea). i imagine that the planning of the bachelor party turned into a pre-bachelor party.... drunk video-game playing. but no lechery -at least no live lechery. ha.

so, what does a gal do on a night like that?

talk on the phone with jessie, have some wine, make a giant bowl of pasta with olive oil and garlic, blog, and stay up until 1:30am watching "transvestite wives" on the dvr.

i guess that's probably what i did as a single person... it's a miracle i ever got married. i'd probably still be doing that to this day if i hadn't met matt.

matt hates watching the shows i record on the dvr. he refuses to watch them with me -they are mostly about transexuals, gays, and morbidly obese people. well, in more general terms, they are shows about people's relationships with their sexuality and with food. matt calls them my "fatties and queers" shows.

and the giant bowl of pasta is my equivalent of a giant bowl of ice cream. serious indulgence -very, very bad for the waistline.

if you'll notice, i haven't mentioned the gym in a long time... but it's not for the right reason. that bowl of pasta might push me back to that sweaty dungeon, though.

|she changes|

she changes everyday. everyday i fall in love with the new madeline.

matt is out at a pre-bachelor party... it's the tux fitting and the planning of future lechery. so madeline and i are on our own. she cried and clutched at me tonight when i put her to bed. she is in the separation anxiety phase. pauvre petite.

she needs a haircut again. already!

|the lost art|

i've been having a great time on my derm elective. there is more to life than medicine. and derm is the perfect rotation for demonstrating this.

i miss talking. i find it unbelievable that i have no one to talk to -besides matt. i mean, i don't even like talking, but i do like talking about philosophy and the arts and social sciences. it is hard to find people in medicine who like to talk about these things. and i don't mean talk about it like taking turns telling each other what they know about everything. i mean conversing. analyzing. wondering aloud to one another. i miss that. conversation is an art. it involves listening -not just waiting your turn.

i don't know the last time i had a real conversation with someone. a meaningless, meaningful conversation.

i guess there isn't enough time these days.

|sweet|

i have been thinking more. maybe because i am away from the negativity of the basement.

i realized that i am most passionate about words. (tied with food, of course.) words well-formed and placed are unspeakably intimate and moving.

it is surprising how people are hardwired. some are moved by people, by music, or nature.

most music sounds like noise to me, except for a great deal of classical music -which sounds like words.

thinking back to those formative years, of course it makes sense. i spent the first 20+ years of my life with my nose in a book. the words in those books shaped me.

funny that i like words so much, but parcel them out so carefully when i speak.

|tomorrow|

there's this silly thing i do when i drive to work. i sing "tomorrow" from the musical Annie. yes, as in the sun will come out, tomorrow -bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be sun. etc. etc.

i started doing it during my first year of residency, when i was pretty beat down. i didn't really believe the words of the song, but it was something to do. and it took my mind off work. and, honestly, i don't know the words to many songs. in fact, i think i only know two lines of "tomorrow" and some of the refrain.

it got me going on cold, dark mornings as i headed down to the basement... especially during the winter when i hadn't seen the sun in weeks. i still do it now and again.

|thoughts|

i drove to the wrong building today.
good thing i had the gps unit in my car.
this is why people should eat breakfast.

my goal is to relax more.
i find myself tense for no reason. i suppose it is just hard-wired into me.
i should work out. i guess going to the gym didn't last long. it's just too low on my list of priorities. it shouldn't be, though. i need to move it up.... i know it can be done. and i bet i would be less tense if i could get a good workout on a regular basis.